Mastering Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence has become a distinguishable marker among effective leaders.
Source: LinkedIn Sales Solution/Unsplash

• Emotional intelligence is a skill that can be learned.
• Knowing how to read the room and react accordingly is a key trait of those with high EQ.
• Emotionally intelligence teaches you how to listen so that others are heard, not so that you can reply.
• Conflict is not about winning, rather it's about collaborating so both sides win.

You can have all the most advanced technical skills, but your career and organization will take a nosedive if you don’t know how to lead people effectively. In the realm of personal and professional development, emotional intelligence (EQ) has emerged as a crucial skill set—not a "soft" skill that is actually hard for many but a power skill that becomes a true distinguishing marker.


Defined as the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions while effectively navigating social interactions, EQ is a powerful tool for success and fulfillment. Learning to master emotional intelligence will afford you the opportunity to interact, collaborate, see when people agree or disagree with you, and manage the consequences.


If you are not yet skilled in EQ, don’t worry, as it is a skill you can learn and master. Here are ten strategies to help you build and strengthen your emotional intelligence:           READ MORE...

Our Consciousness

How Vast Is Consciousness?

Recent neuroscience recognizes two basic forms of consciousness. It all starts with the divisions we make: "Two broad types of consciousness must be distinguished" based on the neurobiological domain (LeDoux, 2023, 219). Creature consciousness is attributed to all organisms with a nervous system. 

The other form of consciousness, associated with more complex nervous systems, is mental state consciousness. It is "the ability to experience the world and one's relationship to it" (LeDoux, 219).

Recently, another category of consciousness has been added: existential consciousness. (Reber, Baluska and Miller, 2024). Here, consciousness is rooted in cellular intelligence as an expression of a living, self-organizing order.

This view of the cellular basis of cognition offers a promising new perspective on the vastness of consciousness in life. Is it necessary to stop seeing the possibility of consciousness as a form of sentience based on the presence of a nervous system?  READ MORE...

About Consciousness

The Philosophical Hard Problem
Some say consciousness is mysterious. But there are two ways to think about this. One is that consciousness is mysterious in the way that the idea of a soul that survives death is, and the other is in the way that the mechanism of evolutionary inheritance was before DNA was discovered.


Today, the mystery of consciousness is often discussed in terms of a special quality—the way it feels to be consciousness. This phenomenal feeling is to be what makes red seem red, and fear feel fearful. Unconscious states come with no such feelings. Philosopher Thomas Nagel refers to these feelings as “qualia," and David Chalmers, another philosopher, has argued that qualia constitute the “hard problem” of consciousness.     READ MORE...

The Code of Consciousness

Source: Ruslana Remennikova with her permission

Since the beginning of human civilization, history has shown a correlation between sound and cognitive, mental, and physical wellness.1 In most experiences, sound is part of a larger context. In terms of physics, a sound is composed of a waveform called frequency expressed in Hertz (Hz), a standard international measurement. Although frequency is used as a measurement in electromagnetic radiation, computing, and other electrical technologies, for sound, one Hz is equal to one completed cycle per second or the number of times a sound wave repeats itself in one second. Frequency is the overlap of vibration and synchronization in the fields of neuroscience, biochemistry, physics, and sonics.


When an object is in motion, its oscillating movement is a vibration. Frequency is the measure of how many times per second that motion repeats. For instance, when a harp string is plucked (e.g. the A above middle C musical note), its vibrating movement emits a frequency of 440 Hz. The musical note vibrates at a frequency of 440 Hertz or 440 regular back and forths per second.  READ MORE...

Civilizations' Dark Side

When agriculture emerged about 10,000 years ago, people were able to settle in one place; this is when "civilization" emerged.

The term "civilized" has come to connote some group of people who are relatively "advanced" in some important ways relative to others.

The concept of "evolutionary mismatch" forces us to re-examine just how "advanced" our "civilized societies" truly are.

We often think of the modern, "civilized" world as being somehow luxurious and advanced relative to how most people lived thousands of years ago. And some people will often think of others who are "in the third world" or who currently live in nomadic bands, just as our ancestors all did prior to the agricultural revolution, as "less than civilized," which has all kinds of negative connotations.

The evolutionary perspective in the behavioral sciences forces us to truly question this conception of civilization. In the same breath, the evolutionary perspective forces us to question so many features of our own lives today.  READ MORE...

Cancal Culture & the 4th of July

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While we struggle with the proper way to socialize around Fourth of July celebrations because of COVID-19, there are questions about what it is that we celebrate. Statues are dismantled, torn down, or moved and there is a reassessment of once-venerated and heroic figures.

So what is it, exactly, that is being celebrated with fireworks and hamburgers? In part, it is the declaration of independence from Great Britain. But the holiday is also meant to honor the document to which people put their signatures and therefore their fortunes and their lives on the line.

The first sentence of the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence is arguably as well-known as any sentence in the world. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” It has served as the clarion call for those seeking freedom and it holds up an ideal that touches the core of what it means to be human.

Shouldn’t every American take pride on this American holiday? Not everyone does today and not everyone has in the past.

In fact, celebrating the colonies’ revolt against the mother country has been contested by blacks in America since the founding of this country. One gap in America’s consciousness is that approximately 3,000 Black Loyalists left on British ships for Canada at the end of the Revolutionary War, mainly formerly enslaved people who chose the British side because it was they who gave them freedom, not the patriots, many of whom were slaveholders.

A similar picture emerged during the second war with Great Britain. Here is an excerpt from my novel, Where We Started, which is based on real events in 1812.

“Frank preached on Freedom Day. The yearly occasion, on the 1st of January, marked the anniversary of the abolition of the trans-Atlantic slave trade five years earlier. Since blacks were excluded from participating in the Independence Day commemorations, slaves and free men and women from Delaware to New England shunned Fourth of July as a white man’s holiday.”

While Freedom Day had dropped from importance as a celebration in the African American community, July Fourth remained problematic for many before the Civil War, as this passage by Black abolitionist William Whipper makes clear. “Though the right to be free has been deemed inalienable by this nation, from a period antecedent to the Declaration of Independence, yet a mental fog hovered over this nation on the subject of slavery that had well-nigh sealed her doom, were it not that in the Providence of God a few noble spirits arose in the might of moral power to her rescue.”  READ MORE...

Self-Centered Parenting

Many children suffer grave emotional problems from living with a self-absorbed parent. The child is disregarded and used as an extension of the parent. Often, this means the child’s physical wants and needs, points of view, and emotional needs go unmet.

The Role-Reversal Relationship
Everything revolves around the self-absorbed parent. The relationship is one-sided and directed by the parent. Such a parent enlists the child in caring for and catering to him or her. This creates a role-reversal relationship that is inappropriate for the child’s growth, development, and welfare.

Self-absorbed parents have many characteristics in the ways they relate with their children These relationship traits are well summarized by both Nina W. Brown, EdD, LPC, in Children of the Self-Absorbed and by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD. in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Such parents manipulate the child to ensure the spotlight of admiration stays on the parent. They lack empathy for the child’s emotional needs. They may show jealousy with any steps the child takes toward individuation––being his or her own person.

Children’s Emotional Responses
Children are affected by growing up with a self-focused parent. When a child is not related to as an individual, a separate person from a parent, there are many emotional and psychological consequences for the child.

When a child’s individuality is disregarded, it affects self-esteem and confidence. Low self-esteem in turn can create anxieties and depressions, suicidal thoughts, substance abuse, and runaway behaviors.

There are a wide variety of consequences children suffer in growing up with a selfish parent. Are there discernible patterns to their suffering? Homer B. Martin. M.D., and I found that there are. Children respond to self-centered parents differently based on the child’s personality style. This style is created by how a child is emotionally conditioned within the family. We discovered personality styles form into two types––omnipotent and impotent.  READ MORE...

Self-Sabotage

• Many self-sabotaging cycles are trauma responses and patterns learned earlier in life as self-preservation.
• A fear of abandonment is really a fear of intimacy and connection.
• To change these patterns, we need to be willing to unlearn patterns of self-preservation while learning patterns of self-healing.

Source: twise/unsplash

Familiar and comfortable are not the same thing as healthy and safe. Yet, we are often attracted to what is familiar and comfortable because it resonates with our early conditioning. Until we begin taking a deep dive into our personal history, our repetitive patterns, and our learned conditioning, our ability to see whether we’re engaging in self-sabotaging behavior may be blurred. 

We may be in denial or turn to rationalizations or projections as excuses for why we continue repeating unhealthy patterns. At the core of all self-sabotaging behavior, we typically find fears of being abandoned, not feeling "good enough," and struggles with self-identity and self-esteem. However, once we peel back these layers, we begin seeing that many self-sabotaging cycles are trauma responses and patterns learned earlier in life as self-preservation.

Why We Self-Sabotage

Unresolved trauma: If we grew up in a toxic family, we were probably handed certain implicit roles, often for survival. We may have had narcissistic or abusive parents who shamed us, physically abused us, or emotionally neglected us. Or we may have had a parent who enabled others in the family to continue cycles of self-defeating behavior, including their own. 

These wounds are what get carried with us as self-sabotaging behavior. We often recreate the same patterns in our adult relationships that were modeled and conditioned for us in our childhood, including messages of not feeling worthy, fearing abandonment, or believing maladaptive mindsets that were taught as normal. Eventually, we wind up turning to more misery as “comfortable” or “familiar.”  READ MORE...

Self-Esteem Influences Purchases

Think back to the last time you went out to a restaurant of your choosing for no particular occasion. Where did you choose to go—and why did you choose to go there? For me, it was the McDonald’s drive-through. Although you can practically smell the French fries from the balcony of my apartment, there may have also been a hidden reason that you and I chose to eat where we did: our self-esteem.

Our identity has an undeniably important impact on how we view ourselves and the world around us. A concept from social psychology labeled self-verification theory finds that we prefer that others view us the same way that we view ourselves.

For example, if you view yourself as intelligent, you likely appreciate it when someone compliments you for being a smart person. However, if you view yourself as unintelligent, you may feel uncomfortable and downright awkward when someone calls you clever. In other words, we prefer when others view us similarly to how we view ourselves because it justifies our sense of self.

How we spend our money is hardly any different. When shopping, we will often perform mental gymnastics to convince ourselves that we deserve the product we want. Self-esteem plays a key role here, meaning that people with low self-esteem gravitate towards cheaper, more affordable, and more mundane options.

Even factoring in one’s income or budget and frugality as a personality trait, self-esteem can predict which product participants chose to buy.  Research finds that we tend to self-verify in our buying behavior, meaning if we view ourselves as having low self-esteem, we will choose, consciously or unconsciously, to buy things that reinforce our self-view.

In one study, the researchers measured participants’ self-esteem and asked them how willing they would be to dine at two restaurants, one described as “cool” and the other described as “non-cool”. The study revealed that participants with the lowest self-esteem opted for the restaurant described as “non-cool” whereas participants with the highest self-esteem picked the “cool” restaurant.  READ MORE...

Women Initiate Divorce

Divorce is common. For instance, in 2019, one million American women divorced.

Though divorce is financially costly, particularly for women, the percentage of divorces initiated by women is higher than men-initiated divorces. Furthermore, a surprisingly large number of women report post-divorce life satisfaction. For an explanation of this paradox and reasons why women divorce, we turn to a recent paper by Parker and collaborators, published in the February 2022 issue of Current Opinion in Psychology.

The authors argue, using the evolutionary theory, that various mismatches between the sexes increase the likelihood of divorce. These mismatches are detailed below. (Note, most of what follows applies to divorces initiated by women in heterosexual relationships in Western countries.)

Good genes, deep pockets, and other mismatches in mate preference
When it comes to mate selection, women value characteristics such as masculinity, facial symmetry, attractiveness, and social dominance. Quite a few of these characteristics signal good genes. For example, they correlate with health and physical strength, which are attributes that increase survival and reproductive success.

Why might a desire for genetically superior men result in mate preference mismatch? Because men with good genes are usually more interested in short-term relationships and do not make the best long-term partners (e.g., are less resourceful). So, women, especially those able to financially support themselves, may not feel motivated to stay in a relationship with such men.

Another mismatch concerns financial resources: Not only do women desire physically healthy and attractive romantic partners, but they also often desire resourceful mates (i.e. rich and successful men).

Mating preferences concerning money and resources might have an evolutionary explanation—e.g., women’s need to rely on men capable of providing for them during pregnancy and breastfeeding, which are periods of high energy expenditure and low mobility.

Though these mating preferences have not changed, society has changed drastically. Fewer women need to depend on men; indeed, an increasing number of women outearn their husbands.  READ MORE...

Stopping Constant Complaints

You think you’re doing your best to get everything done to your partner’s satisfaction, whether it’s managing the finances or preparing a 5-star dinner. Much to your dismay, though, your partner continues to find reasons to complain. Maybe you forgot to run the dryer and now have nothing but drenched towels when it’s time for your partner’s shower. 

Perhaps you forgot to get cat food during your weekly shopping run, leading to still more complaints. Your partner also has their share of household duties, but it doesn’t bother you all that much when something gets messed up or forgotten.

As you think about these situations, it might strike you that some complaints can be reasonable and others can be totally out of line. Everyone forgets things from time to time, and most people get over their annoyance at these minor missteps. Your partner, though, isn’t particularly accepting and, if anything, seems to find something to complain about even when everything is going fine.

Based on new research in the workplace on abusive supervision by Wilfred Laurier University’s Lindie Liang and colleagues (2022), it may be possible to view the constant litany of complaints that your partner engages in as comparable to an overly demanding boss. Although workplace dynamics aren’t exactly the same as those that take place in a romantic relationship, there are still lessons from this research that you can apply to your relationship.

What Effects Can Constant Complaints Have on You?
The Canadian research team’s focus on abusive supervision provides some guidance into understanding the reactions that people have to being the target of someone else’s constant criticism. Fundamental to their analysis is the idea of “interpersonal justice,” a term defined in the literature as your “need to believe that we live in a ‘just world’ where one gets what one deserves and, in turn, deserves what one gets.” Adding to your sense of justice is the idea of “equity,” meaning that you believe what you put into a relationship is equal to the other person’s contributions.

Viewed from this perspective, if you believe that you’re doing your level best to give as much to your relationship as does your partner, your partner’s complaints will feel not only hurtful, but unfair. Unstated, but also expected as part of equity, is the idea that you will be treated with “politeness, dignity, and respect.” 

Maybe early in your relationship, when both of you were on your best behavior, your partner showed these tendencies and then some. Unlike a workplace, where these behaviors are both expected and rewarded, in your home life your partner may have let familiarity degrade some of these standards.  READ MORE...

Forgiveness Isn't Always Required

Since the first empirically based study on person-to-person forgiveness was published in the social sciences (Enright et al., 1989), thousands of articles have been published on the topic.

Because the psychological exploration of forgiveness is still relatively new, there has been disagreement and debate on what, exactly, forgiveness is and whether it is an appropriate response in the mental health professions for people hurt by the injustices of others.

In the spirit of this continuing debate, I would like to offer my response to a recent post, “Why Forgiveness Is Not Required in Trauma Recovery.”

My intent is: If people who are traumatized or who are therapists read the essay, they may be discouraged from trying forgiveness. This would be most unfortunate if they rejected it because of incorrect information.

To help therapists and clients make as informed a decision as possible, I want to counter what appears to be misunderstandings about what forgiveness actually is and what encompasses forgiveness therapy.

Five points for your consideration

1. The author stated: “Forgiveness diminishes harms and wrongs, which can inhibit safety.” This is not correct. When people begin to truly forgive, they realize that what happened to them was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair.

To forgive is not to excuse the wrong, but to stand firm in the truth that this was an injustice (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015). Thus, the one considering forgiveness has a rational understanding that the one who did the harm could do so again.

2. As a moral virtue, forgiveness never ever should be forced onto anyone. On this point, I agree with the author. Instead, people should be drawn to forgiveness by their own free will. That is the case for all moral virtues. For example, in the case of altruism, we do not put pressure on people to be altruistic, hovering over them and insisting that they must give money to the poor.

The criticism by the author on this point needs to center, not on forgiveness, but instead on the person who pressures the unjustly injured person to forgive. The wrong here is within the person who is putting on the pressure, not on forgiveness itself.

As my colleague, Chontay Glenn, an assistant professor in the School of Nursing at the University of Michigan-Flint, who suffered the trauma of sexual abuse, has said to me: “No one can be forced into forgiveness anyway because it is an internal response to an injustice....it is the healing of one’s own soul against an injustice.”  READ MORE...

Becoming More Likable

What determines whether you click with a new friend, or have chemistry with a potential romantic partner? You might think that these processes of interaction attraction are mysterious, or determined by a person’s unique personal attributes—a quick wit, for example. However, research in social psychology suggests that liking and loving are often triggered by simple, mundane factors—like how often you cross paths with someone.


This research offers some practical suggestions for becoming more likeable, which will help you meet your fundamental need for authentic social connection. Here are 7 of them.

1. Be seen.

The more we are exposed to something, the more we tend to like it. This phenomenon, called the mere exposure effect, helps explain why we tend to prefer familiar music to new tunes, elect political candidates with the most media exposure, and grow fonder of acquaintances the more often we interact with them.


So make an effort to be seen—repeatedly. Turn your camera on during Zoom meetings. Comment on your friends' social media posts. Go to the gym at the same time every day to increase the odds of bumping into the same people.

In short, make yourself visible. Just don’t be creepy about it. And don't overdo it. Too much exposure can backfire – evidenced by the fact that you can get sick of hearing your favorite song when it’s overplayed.


2. Remember names.

Remembering someone’s name is important because it signals that they are important to you. On the other hand, failing to remember someone’s name—or other important details about them—undermines the closeness of the relationship.

One of the keys to connecting with others, then, is to remember names. The trouble is that remembering a name can be difficult. One effective, research-based strategy for remembering names is called retrieval practice—repeatedly pulling information out of your head. Shortly after being introduced to someone, retrieve their name from memory. Ask yourself: “What was their name?” Or, use their name during the conversation. The more often you retrieve a name from memory, the more likely you are to remember it.


3. Ask questions.

Be genuinely curious about other people and ask them questions. Research shows that people who ask more questions during conversations are perceived as more responsive and ar e better liked by conversation partners. When you ask questions, particularly follow-up questions (“What was that experience like?”), you show that you’re actively listening and interested in what the person has to say.  TO FIND OUT ABOUT THE OTHER FOUR, CLICK HERE...

Holiday Blues

Many people experience sadness when the holidays are over. Sometimes it hits them hard and seems to come out of the blue. If I’m describing you, please don’t be alarmed. This reaction to the end of the holiday season is not at all unusual.

There are many reasons people get sad after the holidays. Here are some of them.

We tend to have our schedules filled with social events during the month of December, only to have virtually nothing on the calendar in the month of January. So, we go from being social butterflies to being homebodies. If you enjoyed and looked forward to socializing, it most likely felt good and fulfilling to you. Getting out and being with people may have helped you to feel wanted, loved, important. You may have had the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends and/or reacquaint yourself with old ones. A change in your social calendar with a sudden lack of social events to go to can lead to loneliness, boredom and a feeling of isolation.

We often spend time with family during the holidays. And spending time with family can leave us with mixed feelings. Sometimes we feel let down by our interactions with family members and disappointed with the way they behaved towards us and/or treated us. This can lead to sadness and its own kind of mourning. Other times, we might experience tremendous joy at being with family members and then miss them terribly when they have gone home.

Holidays tend to bring up memories of those no longer with us, or those with whom we no longer have a relationship. The loss might be because of death, divorce, or distance. Holidays can make us feel like we're going through the mourning process all over again.

January is a dark, cold month where people tend to hibernate. So you may feel stuck at home. Additionally, it’s a month that can bring lots of snow leading to cancellations and the inability to go out as often as you may want.

If you traveled or moved around a lot during the holidays, you may be tired now that they are over. Fatigue can cause us to feel run down and bring on sadness.

You may have taken days off from work with time to rest and relax and now are back to work every day. Taking time off means that work was not done and you may be left with a pile of work to get through that can seem overwhelming.

You may have overindulged in food and/or drink during the holidays and now when you get on the scale you feel guilty, inadequate, and/or weak.

Perhaps you’re disappointed by the holidays. It wasn’t what you had hoped for and now feel let down that they’re over.

Above are some of the reasons why the end of the holiday season may cause sadness, even depression in some. Below are some things you can do to help yourself.  READ MORE...

Gifted People

• Giftedness seems like a blessing but may be a burden.
• Gifted individuals have learning differences, including divergent thinking, quirky humor, and a penchant for complexity, that set them apart.
• Openness to experience is a key personality trait found in association with giftedness.
• Giftedness is not associated with less-social personality traits, dispelling the myth that gifted individuals have innate social problems.

We are fascinated by gifted people, from those with unusual and specific talents who are otherwise ordinary or even challenged, to those who appear almost as mythical beings, able to master many disciplines and get things done to an extraordinary extent.
The pros and cons of giftedness

Misunderstood gifted people face difficult struggles, often only coming into their own later in life, though, increasingly, work on “profoundly gifted” (PG) children is carving out room for them to do well earlier on in traditional educational settings. Gifted kids are often stigmatized, labeled as weird or antisocial, and are more likely to be bullied or excluded.


Because giftedness is poorly understood, educational, social, and professional settings may contribute to social problems by not providing a home for such people. Furthermore, unlike those with traditional learning differences, it is harder to see where giftedness can create challenges when there are so many positives.


According to the Davidson Institute, PG people exhibit the following tendencies: rapid comprehension, intuitive understanding of the basics, a tendency toward complexity, the need for precision, high expectations, divergent interests—and a quirky sense of h  Rumor. They usually show “asynchronous development," being remarkably ahead in some areas while being average or behind in other ways. It’s hard to know where they fit in, and educational settings typically are not designed to accommodate their differences. Especially for younger children, youthful appearance clashes with advanced ability, making it harder for certain teachers to be responsive.

Is there a gifted personality type?

While many things contribute to giftedness, including various types of intelligence, genetic factors, and upbringing, one key area of interest is personality. Do gifted people look different in terms of personality compared to "non-gifted"1 individuals? In the journal High Ability Studies, researchers Ogurlu and Özbey (2021) conduct a meta-analysis of the literature on personality and giftedness to see where the Big 5 personality traits of Extraversion, Conscientiousness, Openness to Experience, Neuroticism and Agreeableness fit in.  READ MORE...

Psychology Today

The Psychology of Racism

Racism is a sign of a lack of psychological maturity and integration.

Steve Taylor Ph.D.
Out of the Darkness
Posted Jan 19, 2018


Racism has been—and unfortunately still is—such a prominent feature of so many human societies that it might be tempting to think of it as somehow "natural" or "innate."

Indeed, this is the conclusion that some evolutionary psychologists have come to. Evolutionary psychology tries to account for present-day human traits in terms of the survival benefit they might have had to our ancestors. If a trait has survived and become prevalent, then the genes associated with it must have been "selected" by evolution.

According to this logic, racism is prevalent because it was beneficial for early human beings to deprive other groups of resources. It would have done our ancestors no good to be altruistic and allow other groups to share their resources; that would have just decreased their own chances of survival. But if they could subjugate and oppress other groups, this would increase their own access to resources. In these terms, according to Pascal Boyer, racism is "a consequence of highly efficient economic strategies," enabling us to "keep members of other groups in a lower-status position, with distinctly worse benefits." (1) Another related idea is that to see one’s own group as special or superior would have helped us to survive by enhancing group cohesion.  READ ENTIRE ARTICLE