You think you’re doing your best to get everything done to your partner’s satisfaction, whether it’s managing the finances or preparing a 5-star dinner. Much to your dismay, though, your partner continues to find reasons to complain. Maybe you forgot to run the dryer and now have nothing but drenched towels when it’s time for your partner’s shower.
Perhaps you forgot to get cat food during your weekly shopping run, leading to still more complaints. Your partner also has their share of household duties, but it doesn’t bother you all that much when something gets messed up or forgotten.
As you think about these situations, it might strike you that some complaints can be reasonable and others can be totally out of line. Everyone forgets things from time to time, and most people get over their annoyance at these minor missteps. Your partner, though, isn’t particularly accepting and, if anything, seems to find something to complain about even when everything is going fine.
Based on new research in the workplace on abusive supervision by Wilfred Laurier University’s Lindie Liang and colleagues (2022), it may be possible to view the constant litany of complaints that your partner engages in as comparable to an overly demanding boss. Although workplace dynamics aren’t exactly the same as those that take place in a romantic relationship, there are still lessons from this research that you can apply to your relationship.
What Effects Can Constant Complaints Have on You?
The Canadian research team’s focus on abusive supervision provides some guidance into understanding the reactions that people have to being the target of someone else’s constant criticism. Fundamental to their analysis is the idea of “interpersonal justice,” a term defined in the literature as your “need to believe that we live in a ‘just world’ where one gets what one deserves and, in turn, deserves what one gets.” Adding to your sense of justice is the idea of “equity,” meaning that you believe what you put into a relationship is equal to the other person’s contributions.
Viewed from this perspective, if you believe that you’re doing your level best to give as much to your relationship as does your partner, your partner’s complaints will feel not only hurtful, but unfair. Unstated, but also expected as part of equity, is the idea that you will be treated with “politeness, dignity, and respect.”
As you think about these situations, it might strike you that some complaints can be reasonable and others can be totally out of line. Everyone forgets things from time to time, and most people get over their annoyance at these minor missteps. Your partner, though, isn’t particularly accepting and, if anything, seems to find something to complain about even when everything is going fine.
Based on new research in the workplace on abusive supervision by Wilfred Laurier University’s Lindie Liang and colleagues (2022), it may be possible to view the constant litany of complaints that your partner engages in as comparable to an overly demanding boss. Although workplace dynamics aren’t exactly the same as those that take place in a romantic relationship, there are still lessons from this research that you can apply to your relationship.
What Effects Can Constant Complaints Have on You?
The Canadian research team’s focus on abusive supervision provides some guidance into understanding the reactions that people have to being the target of someone else’s constant criticism. Fundamental to their analysis is the idea of “interpersonal justice,” a term defined in the literature as your “need to believe that we live in a ‘just world’ where one gets what one deserves and, in turn, deserves what one gets.” Adding to your sense of justice is the idea of “equity,” meaning that you believe what you put into a relationship is equal to the other person’s contributions.
Viewed from this perspective, if you believe that you’re doing your level best to give as much to your relationship as does your partner, your partner’s complaints will feel not only hurtful, but unfair. Unstated, but also expected as part of equity, is the idea that you will be treated with “politeness, dignity, and respect.”
Maybe early in your relationship, when both of you were on your best behavior, your partner showed these tendencies and then some. Unlike a workplace, where these behaviors are both expected and rewarded, in your home life your partner may have let familiarity degrade some of these standards. READ MORE...
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