How Emotionally Intelligent People Rewire their Minds

Emily's a passionate entrepreneur who's doing a lot of things right. But she's also a workaholic.

Emily has every intention of closing shop on Friday and spending the weekend with her family. But a potential client asked for a meeting this Saturday, and she couldn't say no. Sunday won't be a day off either, since she's trying to meet a deadline on a major project.

A similar scene repeats itself week after week, month after month.

Emily's always exhausted. She knows overwork causes here to get irritated easily. And she feels terrible every time she misses her son's soccer games.

Still, she can't unplug from her business. She finds it impossible to say no. No matter how hard she tries, she can't seem to break that bad habit.

Whether or not you face a similar situation, you can likely relate to Emily's struggle. You might feel like you're a victim of your brain's emotional programming, and there's nothing you can do to change it.

But is that true?

If you feel like Emily, you might benefit from a technique I learned from a psychologist some years ago. It's based on principles of emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage your emotions.

I like to call it the rule of rewiring.

What is the rule of rewiring, and how can it help you rewire your brain and exchange bad habits for better ones?

Before we answer that question, let's learn a little about how habits work.

Change the way you think--using neuroscience
It's a common misconception that the adult brain is static or otherwise fixed in form and function. But as scientists have discovered in recent years, the brain has a remarkable property called neuroplasticity.

This plasticity means that you have some amount of control over your brain's programming. Through a combination of concentrated thoughts and purposeful actions, you can rewire your brain and exert greater control over your emotional reactions and tendencies.  READ MORE...

Emotional Intelligence

Healthy emotional intelligence can bring you greater joy and fulfillment in your own life, and it surely has the power to increase the quality of your relationships. There's a reason why my recent book Date Smart, which sets out to help people find and build healthy relationships, focuses so heavily on EQ skills: Solid emotional intelligence is critical for all healthy intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships. In truth, with so much change and chaos in the world, emotional intelligence is the go-to quality we all need.


But emotional intelligence is not a given. We have to work to gain and maintain our EQ throughout life.

There are five core aspects of EQ:

1. Self-knowledge
2. Self-control
3. Social skills
4. Empathy
5. Personal motivation for self-growth

The depth and breadth of these key components might seem intimidating, but increasing your EQ doesn't need to be complicated. Over the years working with clients as a clinical psychologist, I've developed a simple, actionable strategy that reliably helps people grow in each of these areas simultaneously.

The method is a simple "1-2-3" process. As situations come up in life that bring up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings such as anger, irritation, or confusion, mentally run through these three steps. 

Although the process may feel unfamiliar at first, it will become second nature with patience, practice, and perseverance. Each step naturally increases all five of the core EQ aspects, though some steps will hone certain EQ elements more than others.

With this little "1-2-3" mindset shift—and a lot of ongoing practice—you'll feel your level of EQ growing stronger by the day:  

TO READ ABOUT THESE THREE STEPS, CLICK HERE...

Sound More Emotionally Intelligent

Exhibiting emotional intelligence is more important than ever in the workplace. We are in the midst of the Great Resignation, and people are increasingly less likely to stick with jobs where they do not feel seen, heard, or valued. 

Employees want to work with and for people who exhibit high degrees of emotional intelligence—teammates and managers who project leadership along with self-awareness, empathy, and humility.

The cornerstone of emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, evaluate, interpret, and manage emotions—both your own and those of others—and use those insights to drive positive action. 

This sensibility can improve everything from communication and personal relationships to effectiveness and job satisfaction. Here are some key phrases that are used by emotionally intelligent leaders.

“I’m listening” / “I hear you”

Never underestimate the power of telling someone you’re listening. We’ve all been on the receiving end of barely-made eye contact or lukewarm nodding while we’re mid-sentence with another person. 

How much more validated and valued would we feel if they confirmed we have their undivided attention with some eye contact and a simple “I’m listening”?  READ MORE...

Keys to Emotional Intelligence

Have you ever known people who always seem to keep their cool, who are able to handle even the most awkward social situations with grace, and who always seem to make others feel at ease? Chances are pretty high that those individuals possess what psychologists refer to as emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence involves the ability to understand and manage emotions. Experts agree that this type of intelligence plays an important role in success, and some have suggested that emotional intelligence, or EQ, might even be more important than IQ. In any case, research has suggested that possessing emotional intelligence skills is linked to everything from decision-making to academic achievement.

So what does it take to be emotionally intelligent? Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman has suggested that there are five components of emotional intelligence. Fortunately, you can learn to improve these emotional intelligence skills. By working on and increasing these skills, you can become more emotionally intelligent.

1  Self-Awareness

Tom Werner / Getty Images

Self-awareness, or the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, is a critical emotional intelligence skill. Beyond just recognizing your emotions, however, is being aware of the effect of your actions, moods, and emotions on other people.

To become self-aware, you must be capable of monitoring your own emotions, recognizing different emotional reactions, and then correctly identifying each particular emotion. Self-aware individuals also recognize the relationships between the things they feel and how they behave.

These individuals are also capable of recognizing their own strengths and limitations, are open to new information and experiences, and learn from their interactions with others. Goleman suggests that people who possess self-awareness have a good sense of humor, are confident in themselves and their abilities, and are aware of how other people perceive them.  TO FIND OUT ABOUT THE OTHER FOUR KEYS, CLICK HERE...

Clocking Out

"It won't always be like this," I told myself. "Starting a company is hard."

Before I started my company, I spent over a decade working for a nonprofit that I loved. It was a fantastic organization where amazing mentors and colleagues taught me much of what I know about the practical side of emotional intelligence.

Over the years I worked there, I put in my share of overtime. But as much I loved my job, I had a pretty strict routine of leaving work. On most days, I clocked out at 5 p.m.

But a funny thing happened once I started working for myself: The workdays got longer and longer, later and later. And while, yes, starting a company was hard, I'd soon learn that growing a company and maintaining it is pretty hard, too.

After realizing that I was working much more than I wanted to, I made a change. I like to call it, "the rule of clocking out." It's based on principles of emotional intelligence, the ability to identify, understand, and manage emotions.

I've found this rule helps me to set my priorities, keep everything in its place, and take control of my life.  Here's how it works.How to set priorities, avoid burnout, and find more time in your day

When I first started my company, I was influenced by personalities like Mark Cuban, who says you have to outwork your competition, or they'll put you out of business. To be fair, I've learned a lot from Cuban over the years--but I didn't want to live life like him. My work is definitely a priority. But so is my family. And my mental health. And volunteering my time to help others.

Of course, one of the greatest things about being your own boss is you get to set your own hours. After realizing that I was working much more than I wanted to, I made a change. I would set a time every day to clock out. Then I'd treat that time like an important appointment, one that I can't miss.

The principles of clocking out apply especially well to business owners. But in reality, they provide value for anyone.For example, do you find that despite working later and later, there's always more work to get done?

Or that by focusing much of your energy on goals for your work or business, you forget about other priorities--like your mental or physical health?Or maybe you need to learn to clock out, not from work, but from something else that's draining your time and energy--like a clingy friend, or even a Netflix or YouTube addiction.

If any of the above applies to you, it can be difficult to change. This is likely because your emotions are ruling your habits, causing you to repeat the same routine.Here's where emotional intelligence comes in. TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY DO, CLICK HERE...