Senseless Helplessness

There is something inside all of us that has the ability to motivate us or demotivate us...  whatever that actually means...  however, we are all aware of how some people are successful and some people are not so successful no matter how hard they try...  this is not an indication of good or bad it is just an indication of how it is, will be, and has been.

At the age of 74, I look back at my life and wonder about my accomplishment and while what I have done falls short of what others have done, I realize that others have fallen short of me...  so, what does all this mean?

In 2015, I retired after working 45 years and while I managed to reach retirement, my career was not all that terrific as I was "laid-off" or "fired" 10 times...  which translates into losing my job every 4.5 years...  that was not only difficult mentally on me but it was difficult on my spouse as well...  in fact, it severely reduced the trust and respect that she had for me...  this is manifested in how we interrelate with each other during our retirement.

Throughout my life, my personality has been displayed in such a way that when I retired in 2015, I retired with:

• no friends
• no family, in that, neither my brother, my sister, my daughter, and my wife really had no desire to have anything to do with me...

My current situation is completely a result of my own actions and comments over the last 67-74 years, therefore my fault is clear and undisputed...  however, that acceptance does not offset the fact, that it has resulted or manifested itself inside a deep coffin of depression.

This depression is further magnified by the fact that in 2015, I started writing novels and to date have completed 5 and I am 2-3 weeks away from completing number 6, and when I submitted one of those to a local published writers group, was told it was not up to their standards of writing and my membership was rejected.

So, what does this response mean for me as I know what it means for them?

It means: what's the point of me continuing my writing?

Of course, I could take a free novel writing course at COURSERA and see if that improves my writing and reapply...

But, I am 74 years old and by the time I reapply, I will be 75...

So, is that too old to start over and build writing skills?

OR...  what else do I do?

I have no desire to do anything else...  I have no interest in doing anything else...  although, I do have these blogs and I will continue posting here...  and, could expand what I post here...  but, is that enough for me?

OR...  I could continue writing my amateur novels, knowing that the odds are against me ever-evolving into becoming a professional writer...

Now, that's a goal to try and achieve...

So, what is it inside human beings that causes some of them to be successful while others are not successful at all?

And, is this lack of success when these individuals want to be successful that causes depression?

Do people need a network of support to keep from being depressed?

If they do not have a network of support what happens to them and/or what do they do to pull themselves out of depression?

It is an interesting journey that I have taken and continue to take and will only end with my death...  and, I wonder what the point of my life has been?  I have had no meaning or purpose all my life...  I've just existed and gone to work...  I've just done my job and looked for other jobs...  there has been no direction...  my life has just flowed from one year to the next, oblivious to what has been or what will be...  Along the way, I saw no reason for anyone to get to know me better, although we had credible work relationships as we worked together and got things done.

It was a senseless and meaningless existence and I was so busy doing what needed to be done, I had no time to look inside and understand myself...  now, I am left HOLLOW, EMPTY of that which makes us who we are...  consequently, I am retired, unfulfilled, want nothing to do, have no interests, and am alone...  it's not sad...  it's just the way it is for me...