Forgot My Benadryl

Once a month I get a 2-hour infusion of IVIG to help with my immunity due to constant chemo treatments.  And, each month, I try to remember at the end of that day I will not be able to sleep unless I take 2 Benadryl pills.  Sometimes, like tonight, I have forgotten to take those pills and after trying to sleep for over 3 hours, I got up, took the pills, and am now waiting for them to kick in.

To berate myself any more than I already have is counterproductive...

So, it may be an hour or two before I can sleep.

As I sit here thinking, I am reminded that all human beings are composed of both male and female genes.  The gender that we end up with is the one that has a preponderance of that gender gene.  Consequently, there are males and females...  However, each gender is incomplete.

We are made complete when we sexually reproduce but that completeness only lasts momentarily because there will always be dominate gender genes.

Similarly, human beings are both positive and negative, good and evil, depressed and not depressed, intelligent and not intelligent...  In other words we are comprised of opposites and only one opposite at a time can dominate.  Hence our various personalities.

If you are blessed with the depression genes, then you will be fighting depression all your life.  Sometimes, this fight will be extremely dramatic but other times it will be so minor you will hardly know it is there.

For me, I have the depression genes whereas my brother and sister do not possess many of them at all, however, my sister has more than my brother has.   It was just the luck of the draw for me.

My battle with depression has been intermittent all my life with it lessening as I get older.  This was especially true when I retired but it raised its head more often but did not stay as long.  My final break came when I distanced myself with my family and just focused on my own life rather than how I might compare with them.

Not sure why the comparison was necessary but at the time, I must have thought it was important.  What brought this to my mind is the fact that it is my brother's birthday today and I have not had contact with him since last Christmas, when we had a phone conversation that lasted 30 seconds.

When I think about family comparisons, the depression monster raises its head.  Tonight, it did not stay very long.  But it was here.

Am I grateful for getting old?

To some degree I am but it also is an indication that my life will not last much longer, at least not as long as it already has...  at the most I have about 20 years left...  and while that seems like a long time... it goes by quickly.

My retirement is fulfilling...  I want for nothing and can pretty much do whatever I want.  I stay busy doing stuff, none of which is earth shattering important, but it keeps me entertained all day.  I am content, happy, and at peace with myself and my life.

I have gained tolerance and understanding and patience which is all the wisdom I need.